I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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