I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
