I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
