Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
