I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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