fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
