just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
