Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
