I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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