I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Drunk is not a location!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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