gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Someone signed my nipple.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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