If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
