Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
