I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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