I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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