He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
