I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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