never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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