anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
organizing the empties. That sober.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
