I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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