I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
