Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
