she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
