I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
