Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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