seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
