I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
