I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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