Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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