we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
