my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
