I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we made out on top of his cat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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