at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
