woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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