I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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