I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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