Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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