mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This baby is an asshole
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
