I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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