Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize