you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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