turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
