Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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