you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
