Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
