The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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