I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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