Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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