dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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