I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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