our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
