So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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