96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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