Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
