If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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