I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
